She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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