false alarm. still invincible.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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