so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
