I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
