I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
