I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
