I want you more than these girls want KFC
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
