shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
