I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
