he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
