just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
