so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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