I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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