last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
