the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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