It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize