and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
