nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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