I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You took a bar mat shot.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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