I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
