my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
