Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
two words...techno handjob
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
