I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
