I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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