i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
