Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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