woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
