You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
