Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
