Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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