Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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