and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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