Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
