There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
