i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
