some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
