paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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