I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
