Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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