He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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