the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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