Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
