Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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