We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
