Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
