your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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