Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
