Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
