Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
