Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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