do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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