I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
