ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize