We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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