so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize