they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
