Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
