There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
