Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
