i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
