i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
