well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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