it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
