walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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