Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
