i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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