Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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