mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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