There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
