my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
