Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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