i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize