I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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