I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
