Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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